Did you hear about the guy that cut off half his body…
He’s all right now
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer.
I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn’t stop telling me jokes.
The store clerk said “that isn’t a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon.”
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I went for a job at the local stables. They asked me if I had shoed a horse before?
I said “no but I once said boo to a donkey”.
LAST ONE
I just rang the council to get permission to have a skip outside my house.
She said go for it fatty, you could use the exercise.
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I called the local Chinese takeaway and asked for the specials.
Ended up with too much foo yung.
Genie: what is your last wish?
Man: I want you and I to change places.
Genie: alrught althoigh U’m not sire U see the pount un that.
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Brilliant. I’m committing that one to memory.
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The bloke who invented Knock Knock jokes has been awarded the Nobel Prize.
I used to DJ at illegal raves at Stonehenge and Avebury, but I don’t mix in those circles anymore.
A Chinese restaurant has been hit with a £10k electricity bill. They said they can’t turn off all the lights but they do dim sum.
Yer killing’ me! 
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
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My best friend has fallen out with me for sniffing his sister’s underwear.
I’m not sure whether he was most upset that she was still wearing them or that his whole family saw me do it.
Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward!
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk in to a clinic to donate blood. The doctor asks the rabbit: “What’s your blood type?”
The rabbit: “I’m probably a Type O”
When I go fishing I use liquorice as bait.
I’ve caught all sorts.
3 Likes
What did Ray Charles said if someone gave him a piece of sandpaper?
“Wow it’s written very small”
2 Likes
Tories fiscal responsibility.